Older And Wiser

Halfway to the grocery store I realized I'd left my cell phone on the kitchen counter.  Panicked, I looked for an easy place to turn around, but nothing was easy.  So, I made the bold decision to keep going.  Hey, I lived for years without a cell phone. Why do I need one now just to go to the grocery store?   Pushing my cart through the aisles I was twitching. I needed that phone. What if something happens and I need to make a call?  I made it safely through the checkout without a heart attack or armed robbery, and headed back to my car... scanning for a payphone... just in case.      Nothing.   Driving home,  I looked on every corner hoping to see my old friend, the Payphone.   I drove for blocks... looking up and down streets, in mini malls, and in gas stations until finally, outside a dilapidated liquor store, there it was.  A payphone.    Beaten,  broken, and covered in grime, this was once the gr...

About a year ago I gave up newspapers.  Too bulky,  a waste of paper,  and I got all the news I could digest from the internet.   I love the way I can skim through articles on my smartphone. .. it's efficient and easy to access.  But on a recent getaway to a sunny spot in California,  I was reintroduced to The Paper.  And  it's better. .. lots better.  In the wake of dwindling circulation,  the LA Times has retooled, with a narrower,  easy to handle format,  a clean layout,  and what's seems to be. .. fewer ads?   In other words,  it's fantastic.  And so I did something i swore I'd never do.   I resubscribed.    Maybe,  just maybe... the tactile experience of the morning paper isn't dead.   Plus,  now if I ever need to wrap a fish,  I've got something to wrap it in.    

Television today is a minefield of disgusting commercials.   Not just annoying.  I'm talking about commercials that make you lurch for the "mute" button.  We've reached a new low in American television as we navigate around commercials for things like this: 1. CATHETERS-- Yes, we interrupt this program to tell you about the best catheters on the market today... they're easy to insert-- self-lubricated-- and they come in three designer colors. 2. ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION-  This lovely woman has nothing to worry about.  Her beach vacation won't be ruined.   Why?  Because she's packed a little surprise for hubby.... the "travel size" Viagra.   3. LUBRICATED TOILET PAPER-  These cartoon bears have a problem... when they poop and then wipe their butts... the toilet paper get stuck.   What's the answer?   Charmin Ultra Strong toilet paper!   "Enjoy The Go!" Seriously?  On broadcast television??... commercials that specifical...

Well, I think I've seen it....the first sign of the apocalypse.  The earth is truly spiraling toward the sun. I was in my local grocery store and saw something I could hardly believe. It was a piece of meat, steak I guess, one piece, and the price was $15.   I mean, it's just meat, people.    They really should put these behind glass just to be safe.   They should require you to a consult a credit  consultant to be sure you're financially qualified to purchase meat.    Buy 4 or more and security will escort you to your car.    I've decided.  I'm becoming a vegetarian. 

Paper towels make me crazy.  They're expensive, so I try hard to find the best buy when shopping.   But how can you tell which one is best?   I swear it takes a math/science wizard to calculate the best choice.   The cheap ones don't soak up as much,  so you have to use more.   The fancy ones cost more, but I probably waste them anyway.   These days,  I just try to buy the brand that's on sale, with the biggest discount.   Or... I'll examine the "unit price per square foot" sticker and pick the lowest price.   Still, I feel like these towel manufacturers are trying to trick me.  Whatever brand I schlep home, I'm pretty sure... I just got scammed.

I guess this someone's idea of great marketing.   I see this billboard every time I pass my local gas station, and each time,  I cringe.   It's intent, apparently, is to entice horny construction workers to buy work boots.   (She's showing how sturdy and durable they are.)  Do construction workers believe that when they go to the store to buy their boots, this girl will be there?    Or do they look at this billboard and think, "Wow, those boots look great on her.  Imagine how great they'll look on me!"    It's like waving a shiny object at a bird:  "Hey men, look over here.   I've got these boobs.   You want some shoes?"     Regardless, it's embarrassing to have it in my nice neighborhood, and it's embarrassing for the poor girl who lowered herself to pose for it.   Maybe someone told her it could be a stepping stone to something bigger... and maybe it will be.   Someday she could end up in the White Ho...